humor

FOOD FRIDAYS!

Recently, someone realized that I have gone to cooking school.  I even graduated from a cooking school!  Since I’ve been cooking since a very young age, it sort of seemed strange that I would go to cooking school to some folks.  However, I learned skills and tricks that the “Chefs” use that make me love to play with food even more.  What makes it the best is that I have a hubby who will eat anything at least once…well, except for blue cheese (unless it’s in my Michigan Cherry Salad!)

I thought I might like to add this feature to my blog on Fridays every now and then, hence the oh so clever name…Food Fridays!  I’ve been playing around in the kitchen this summer with the abundance of produce at it’s peak right now and thought I might like to start sharing that with all of you out here in cyber/blog world, which I will in due time, but I thought I would start off my Food Fridays with a little Food Humor.  I want to encourage you to get back into the kitchen and play even if you think you don’t like to cook! With my Food Humor for today, I’m going to really rat on myself and my Mom, but do not worry your little head – the story I’m about to tell you – my Mom is well aware of!  It will give you a glimpse into probably the biggest reason I am not a huge meat fan!  Brace yourself!

Long ago in a town called Akron and in the state of Ohio lived a family.  There were three people in this family.  The Dad, the Mom and the darling, wonderful, well-behaved, smart, talented, creative daughter…oh, that would be me.  They lived in a little two bedroom home on a hill in a quaint neighborhood.  There was no dining room as the house was under 800 square feet large.  They ate in their kitchen.  The kitchen table was placed against the wall, the wall with a heating register in it about a foot and a half from the floor.  Air conditioner?  Ha – open the window and turn on the fan.

As the Dad was an extreme meat lover, most meals centered around meat.  The Mom was a Southern lady born and bred and knew how to fry her up most any meal.  However, the Dad was not always prone to arrive home to dinner on time, and often the dinner would have to be put on low to keep warm until the family could eat together.   Oh, yum.  By the time he arrived home, he was famished and often would eat more of the meat.  Happy dance!

As luck would have it, on this particular night, he was on time and the Mom had prepared one of the daughter’s least liked meat…the (gag, choke) cube steak.  Ewwwwwww!  To this day, she feels if someone serves this to her – that person must hate her!

As usual with this family, the Dad would scarf down the food without looking up most of the meal.  The Mom would keep a conversation going and the daughter would eat all the vegetables and keep staring at that cube steak.

The daughter was raised in a household that held firm that you should have at least a little of each of the things cooked and be happy as there was some poor child in China starving.  Oh how this daughter would beg to wrap up the meat and ship it to that child whenever that speech was delivered!

As usual when a large portion of meat was served to this daughter, she would sit and pout and stir around the meat as if stirring would magically dissolve it and make it go away.  Sit, pout and stir.  Sit, pout and stir.  Dang – it’s still there.

On this particular night, she had the most brilliant idea!  Her chair was strategically placed right beside that heater grate and the parents had left the kitchen to go outside and read the paper.  So, little by little she placed the pieces of meat inside.  She had opened the door of the huge old furnace downstairs and had seen the big fire inside.  She figured it would just go in and burn up.   Fab – u – lous!!!

She finished her deed.  Went out to her parents to say she was done and ask to be excused from the table.  The Mom came in and the daughter was excused to leave the table and do her chores, the dishes.  As she washed them, she gagged at the plates that had the meat on them.  Just the smell did her in.  She did those first.  As she finished the rest, the pride in getting out of that meat eating experience made her feel oh so much better.

Until the next week.

Arriving home from school, the daughter entered the front door and yelled to the Mom, “I’m home, Mom where are you, I gotta tell you something.”  The Mom said, “I’m in here in the kitchen and I gotta tell you something, too.”

As the daughter entered the kitchen, the Mom was standing with her hands on her hips looking at the kitchen table.  This is not looking good.  The daughter looked at the table and there was this huge plate of greenish, brown fuzzy stuff.

As the story goes, the Mom was mopping the small kitchen on her hands and knees when she happened upon a putrid smell.  After searching it out, she got a screwdriver and opened up the heating grate to find this wonderful masterpiece.

As the daughter looked down at this fuzzy heap piled on a paper plate with a fork and napkin to it’s side,  the Mom smiled and said, “Oh, go ahead and sit down, you actually haven’t finished your meat just yet.”

Now, before you go all crazy and think that this Mom went loco and made the daughter eat it, she did not.  But she did leave her to sit by it for a while to think about her little deed!

If you ever go out to eat with me and I do not order meat….you now have a little glimpse into why!
And parents, if your child wishes to not partake in the food item that we call meat, please don’t make them.  You just may scar them for life!

….and that’s all I have to say about that!

Tammy

No kidding, Sir!!!

It was brought to my attention last night from a buddy that I haven’t posted for a while!  Ooops!  However, I’ve been up to something really cool for me and in the long run probably for you, too!  I’ve had to do some writing for an upcoming conference I’m attending for Writers/Speakers/Women’s Ministry Leadership Women.  I’ve hit a couple days (or more than a couple!) of writer’s block or maybe just writer’s doubt in self.  However, the house was empty last night and I nearly duct taped myself to my chair at the ‘ol Mac and got to it.  I have a 750 word article due to take for presentation.  To some of you that may sound like 740 words too many (my husband for one!).  To me, that was like…”What?  And what do I do with the rest of these 1,526 words??”  That was the hard part.  Writing wasn’t hard.  Being short, sweet and concise…well that’s another matter!  For those of you who know me personally – you know what I’m talking about!!!  Now that my article is done,  (WooHoo!) I’m back with you.  I have a couple weeks left before I go (So Excited!), so I’ll try to catch up with some missing posts!  I kind of feel like the bumper sticker about George W. Bush–“Miss Me Yet?”   Lest you think I ran out of things to say or even better,  things that just plain ol’ crack me up, how about this one that follows!?

NO KIDDING, SIR!!!
Back in the spring, I was asked to go to see a Comedienne, Anita Renfroe, whom I’ve never heard of.  I was asked by a new friend and jumped at the chance to go along and to get to know my new friend better.  Also – a night of side splitting humor sounded right up my alley, if you know what I mean.
The night of the event arrived and I drove to my new friend’s house to ride together.  She said she knew right where the church was that was hosting the event so she would drive.  The ride was only about 15 minutes.  It wasn’t raining as we left, however, about half way there it began to mist a little.  My friend said, “No big deal, I have an umbrella over on your side and one in the trunk, we are good.”
We drove into the parking lot and are directed by a parking lot crew which way to go.  We’re good compliant girls and follow their directions!  As we pulled up the row we are to park, the rain seems to pick up.  A lot.  My friend pulled into a pull-through spot.  SCORE!  I personally love those spots and especially at big events with massive amounts of people trying to get out at the exact same time!  We are now parked and start figuring out how I’m going to get out first, open the umbrella, then come around and get my friend so we can go to the trunk and get the other umbrella. Ready, set, go!
Signals cross.
I opened my door, jumped out and opened my umbrella.  I start for the front of the car to go around and I realize she is now at the trunk trying to get out the other umbrella!  Oh – and NOW it begins to downpour.  Nice.  My friend pulled out the umbrella as I’m trying to hold mine over her and me both.  Our little ol’ parking man is trying to motion for us to hurry so the other cars that he is going to park behind us don’t hit us coming in.  We are not moving fast enough and he comes over.  Mind you, the rain has decided to start pouring down harder AND sideways!  Just as our little man came up to us, my friend’s umbrella turns inside out! Yep! Totally the opposite direction.  Where it should be cupped downward towards the handle, it is now cupped upward opposite the handle.  We both laughed, but our little “friend” doesn’t find it funny.
As she tried to push the button to have it go back the opposite way so she can get it into the trunk, the rocket scientist tried to give her instructions how to close it so she can put it away and move out of the way for the incoming cars.  Now mind you, he is watching her do the exact same thing he is telling her to do!  She is so kind and smiles at him and says….”I’m trying to do that, sir!”  He kept telling her over and over, to close it.  Push the button and close it.  He looks at me and rolls his eyes and shrugs his shoulders.
Then it happened.
The fabric just took off with the wind.  I truly was half expecting Dorothy and Toto to come whizzing by anytime.  My friend tried to catch the fabric, but it was on a path of it’s own.  But, never fear–our little ‘ol, instruction giving man went and caught it for us.  Bless yer heeaarrrtttt, sir!
My friend throws the umbrella into the trunk.  All the pieces of it!  We huddle under the little umbrella and head off to the door.  Once we got into the building, we hurry to get into the line so we can get our seats.  Then we realize that we both are drenched down our entire backsides.  My friend has curly hair that is becoming more curly from the rain – I have poker straight hair that now has absolutely no hair spray or any style whatsoever!  At this point as we are checking out just how much we look like drowned rats, we notice the ever beautiful sun that has returned for the rest of the ladies arriving!  ARE YOU KIDDING ME??  We both point out the window in the lobby, look at each other, then bust out laughing.
We may have had a wet seat, wet back and wet hair, but for sure our spirits weren’t wet!  We had an evening of great laughs started off by a great belly laugh at ourselves.
I’m thinking with this first event of hanging out we’re off to a great new friendship for years to come!  Because girl, if you can look like a drowned rat, smell like a wet dog and be in an event with dolled up women (and you’re not anymore!) and still start the evening cracking up then friendship just doesn’t get any better than that!
….and that’s all I’ve got to say about that!
Tammy